


We Could Build a House/Mixed Bricknals

by ASchmidts



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Accidental Sexting, Avengers Shenanigans, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, The Tony Stark 21st Century Primer on Public Decency, Torture the Data until (Human) Nature Confesses, well a little
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29944785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASchmidts/pseuds/ASchmidts
Summary: Another round of ‘Tony Misspells, Steve Trolls’. Or:Steve’s real introduction to the 21st century starts when a fan takes off her shirt at a meet-n-greet.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter One.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Sixteen Dongs](https://archiveofourown.org/works/710273) by [uraneia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/uraneia/pseuds/uraneia). 



> There are soo many good fics where this (or the opposite) happens. They make me laugh out loud *every time*.
> 
> I have definitely been inspired by a bunch of them in writing this fic. Unfortunately, the times when I read them predate my AO3 account. So If you think the premise reminds you of sth, please add the work in the comments so I may refer to it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this one!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve’s real introduction to the 21st century starts when a fan takes off her shirt at a meet-n-greet.

A few weeks after the Chitauri attack, Banner had gone off to South-East Asia again, Thor seemed intent on staying in Asgard and the remaining Avengers were slowly picking up the pieces. Literally.

While Clint and Natasha had gone back to working for Fury, Steve was working full time at rebuilding New York. Tony usually joined him once or twice a week. They had all agreed that Captain America and Iron Man needed to be seen doing good in the city – the dust of the attacks had not even had time to settle before public officials had started throwing around words like “vigilantes” or “public damage” on TV. Maybe they sought attention by being contrarian. Maybe they just hoped for Tony Stark to pick up the tab. In any case, SHIELD was not interested in lawmakers looking too closely at the Avengers Initiative, so the general public needed to stay in favour.

The day after the attack, right after debrief, Maria Hill had called for a streamlined image campaign. Apart from SHIELD-curated social media, appearances at conventions and interviews for the press, said campaign also involved the only two overpowered Avengers left on the continent suiting up to lift rubble and the occasional steel beam. Steve didn’t mind. It was not like he had elsewhere to be. And even if they occasionally (frequently) argued, he did not mind spending time doing manual labour with Tony. Even if him thanking Tony for joining him in this “new experience” had not been received so well ( _“Are you insinuating I have no experience with manual labour?” “Not insinuating_ _it_ _, no.”_ ).

When Tony was not around, Steve usually let his mind wander while shifting the debris. Even if he felt guilty thinking it, he was grateful for the time out, the opportunity to slowly get used to Manhattan’s new face again. Even if he was doing it one destroyed shopfront or broken sidewalk at a time.

***

However, Steve’s real introduction to the 21st century only started when a fan took off her shirt at a meet-n-greet.

They had been well into the second hour of shaking hands and signing posters at a comic convention when suddenly, the woman in front of Steve had pushed up her shirt with clear intend to make him sign across her breasts. Steve had frozen, pen in hand. Natasha had turned her head up from the _Cosmopolitan_ she had been signing and _smiled_ at the fan until she tucked her shirt back in. Tony had signaled for security. Within minutes, the lady had found herself very quickly in front of the convention centre again, without an autograph. But Tony had not missed the look of absolute shock that had crossed Steve’s face for a second. Apparently, neither had the others, because when he had invited them for dinner and drinks at the tower after the convention was over, they had all agreed.

This is how Clint, Tony, Natasha and Steve came to be sprawled in Tony’s living room in various states of inebriation (one of them being complete sobriety), while Tony tried to explain social media to Steve.

“One thing you have to understand in this century is that people are _nasty_ , Steve.”, he lectured with a pizza box in his lap, while Natasha rolled her eyes at Clint across the couch. Steve frowned. “Tony, I have fought in a _war._ Of course I know people can do nasty things to each other. I am not a saint. Or deluded. Why are you telling me this?”

Tony took a bite from his pizza, help up a hand, swallowed, then continued. “No, Steve, you are not getting it. I am not talking about life-or-death, every-human-has-it-when-push-comes-to-shove, _Hannah Arendt_ evil. I am not talking about we-are-about-to-die-sex, either. I am talking about _nasty._ Let me show you.” He pressed a button on the side of the coffee table and a holographic screen came to life between them. With a few movements of his hands, he navigated to Steve’s official social media page. “Did you know, Steve”, he said “that SHIELD is using a profanity filter based on open-source code from Stark industries? Well, this allows me to do _this...”_ Tony flicked his wrist.

And suddenly, there were penises. Red, white and blue-ish. High-resultion and grainy. There were so many penises that the cloud of images went on from just above the table to under the ceiling.

Steve _recoiled_ from the table “What-”

“These are all for you, Cap”, Tony interrupted him. “You just never saw them because the profanity filter blocked them from view. But I usually like to keep them around for a few months, in case fans become… _persistent_. It is always good to have proof.” He smiled shortly with one corner of his mouth, then he called out tersely “JARVIS, histogramms by time of day and IP-address.”

Not even a second later, the pictures were replaced by diagramms of pure blue light. Tony glanced quickly at them and turned back to Steve, who had just frozen on the couch. “Just as I thought. The photos are mostly your drunk and thirsty fellow citizen, time of posting also suggests desperate or on a dare. Now, the _art_ mostly comes from-”

“Men just _do_ this to strange men?? Is this considered _appropriate_ nowadays?”, he was interrupted by Steve, who was glancing at Clint, expression in equal parts beseeching, consternated and disgusted. Clint shrugged, took another sip of his beer and said calmly “Not appropriate. But many people do it. Also, you are not a stranger Cap, you are a _celebrity._ ” Next to him on the couch, Natasha stretched her arms over her head, turned her head from side to side and then looked at Steve from underneath lowered lashes. “Come on Steve, ask me.” Tony was starting to feel pity for the guy. Said guy was currently staring straight ahead at a point just over Tony’s shoulder. “And the dames… ah... women.. ah...also show their… ah...” Steve glanced back over to Natasha while the sentence died a slow, agonizing death.

“No, but in certain places there is graffiti.” “Graffiti….”, Steve repeated, completely mystified. Tony suddenly felt like the fun had gone on for long enough. “Don’t sweat it, grandpa. JARVIS! Add new rule ‘send auto-reminder that offenders’ IPs are being geolocated, blacklisted and that they can kindly fuck off before each autodelete’.” Then Tony turned on the profanity filter again.

He had a feeling Steve felt particularly unhappy about having to be sober when he bid them goodbye a few hours later.

***

Tony mulled over the evening, stripping out of his clothes to prepare for a shower and the tub. Of course, after the Avengers had gone home, he had disabled his own profanity filter to compare. The turnout was disappointing, to say the least.

Pulling his undershirt over his head, he quietly grumbled to himself “I kinda understand where they are coming from, but why do they only send them to _Steve._ Kinda insulting. Where are _my_ dick pics? I would definitively have more use for them tonight than Grandpa.”

Tony stepped into the shower and sighed, watching the water circle down the drain between his feet. He had not told the others, but the convention had been grueling for him. There had been five pictures of him with Pepper for him to sign. _That makes three more times than I have seen her this month_ , he thought wryly to himself. Well, why was he surprised. They just did not work out, apparently. At least not apart from work. No need to tell the team yet. He suspected Natasha knew already, anyway.

There was a ping of an incoming message over the sound of the shower, but Tony ignored it.

He had just gotten into the tub when he remembered. “JARVIS, read this to me?”

***

**Fifteen minutes earlier, Steve Roger’s phone:**

Tony Stark: Kinda insulting.

Tony Stark: Where are my brickpicks?

Tony Stark: I would definitively have more use for them.

**Excuse me, what do you want?**

Tony Stark: Nothing? Spending my evening in peace and quiet?

**Care to tell me then what you mean?**

Tony Stark: Nothing??

**Tony, are you drunk?**

Tony Stark: Wow where is that even coming from.

Tony Stark: Also not going there.

Tony Stark: No picking fights in the tub.

**What is a brickpick?**

Tony Stark: You are not making any sense. Ending this conversation, NOW.

**Why were you asking me for them, then?**

_*Tony Stark is typing*_

_*Tony Stark is typing*_

_*Tony Stark is typing*_

Tony Stark: Oh my god.

_*Tony Stark is typing*_

Tony Stark: I am so sorry.

Tony Stark: Also not sorry.

Tony Stark: This is so hilariously unintended.

Tony Stark: I am currently testing a beta-configuration for JARVIS’ speech-to-text recognition algorithm. Amped up the sensitivity so I don’t have to yell. Apparently botched the accuracy.

Tony Stark: Sry my bad.

Tony Stark: Apparently talking to myself sounded like an @notion to JARVIS, all good, just forget about it.

**English, please.**

_*Tony Stark is typing*_

_*Tony Stark is typing*_

Tony Stark: If I tell JARVIS to guess what I am saying even as I am speaking very quietly (higher sensitivity), then sometimes he will guess wrongly (lower accuracy). He just wrongly guessed that I was trying to text you when I was just talking to myself.

**Thank you.**

**Now what is a brickpick?**

Tony Stark: You never give up do you?

Tony Stark: No don’t answer that.

Tony Stark: It’s a typo. For dick pic.

Tony Stark: JARVIS again.

**Aha.**

**Does this mean what I think it means?**

Tony Stark: Ask Clint.

Tony Stark: No wait.

Tony Stark: Never ask Clint.

Tony Stark: Me suffering is already enough.

**By dick picks, do you mean those photographs of penises that people send me?**

Tony Stark: Yes. Those are dick pics.

Tony Stark: Seriously, DONT ASK CLINT.

**And you wanted to have them.**

_*Tony Stark is typing*_

_*Tony Stark is typing*_

Tony Stark: Well not all of them, obviously.

Tony Stark: Just the pretty ones.

**If you say so.**

Tony Stark: Look I know you come from different times but if this is going to be a problem for you, then we have a problem. As far as I know, we are professionals.

Tony Stark: But you ask, so I tell.

Tony Stark: Yeah, look that one up.

***

**Several hours later, Tony Stark’s phone:**

Steve Rogers: _{Brick.png}_

Steve Rogers: You wanted a pretty one.

Steve Rogers: Thank you for taking the time to explain, I appreciate it.

Steve Rogers: Have a nice evening.

**Tony Stark to @Clint Barton:**

**Captain America just sent me a brick pic.**

Clint Barton: Lucky bastard.

**No.**

**A brick.**

**As in houses.**

**I think he is Overcoming Trauma through Art.**

Clint Barton: Ten bucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like Pepper, but I like seeing Stony happen more so... she had to go.


	2. Chapter Two.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony does his best to hold on to his sanity, his good faith and his ten bucks.

One week later, while Tony was abroad at a conference, Clint, Natasha and Steve were standing amidst concrete dust at a crossroads in East Harlem. They had just wrapped up the fight against their second villain of the week.

Although probably the word “scoundrel” would have been more appropriate, Steve mused. The man’s lack of a plan B and his tendency towards soliloquy had more than compensated for their lack of manpower – less than an hour after the call to assemble, the offender was already tucked into the back of a receding police car, leaving behind nothing more than rattled residents and hundreds of thousands of dollars in property damage. Steve had a sinking feeling that this might become a regular occurrence. While he could not really put his finger on it, he felt like the appearance of “heroes” was encouraging all kinds of irresponsible behaviour.

Next to him, Clint was picking up his arrows from under the remains of the front of a brownstone. From the other side of the road, Natasha was making her way across the debris to join them. Just as Steve was about to suggest heading back to the Helicarrier, she looked around as if she were seeing the mess for the first time. Then she off-handedly said to no-one in particular, “Wow, that sure is a lot of bricks.” Clint’s shoulders started shaking near-imperceptively. _Probably adrenaline_ , Steve thought as he pulled out his phone.

***

Later, after they had debriefed and all gone their separate ways, Steve was left with the unenviable task of writing a report for Fury and Cc-ing Tony. He was not thrilled about finding out how their teammate would react to the day’s bill. A few minutes after sending the report, his phone pinged.

**Steve Roger’s phone:**

Tony Stark: I see the team went all out today.

Tony Stark: And it is Harlem, again. I am starting to feel like we are actively furthering gentrification.

Tony Stark: Maybe I should build them a park.

Tony Stark: A youth center?

**Some folks there did not seem very glad about our presence.**

Tony Stark: As if that weirdo would only have trampled their front lawns a little bit had you not been there.

Tony Stark: They can just shut up, you all did great.

Tony Stark: I suddenly feel a lot less inclined towards donating that park now.

Tony Stark: They will have to wait for a full bingo before I reconsider it.

**I do not think Ms Potts would agree.**

Tony Stark: That is EXACTLY why she is CEO, not me.

Tony Stark: Things like these are just so stupid most of the time.

Tony Stark: Goddamn, I can’t wait to get back.

**What exactly are you doing?**

Tony Stark: Renegotiating a contract and presenting SI tech for a public tender.

Tony Stark: It is all a matter of formality anyway.

Tony Stark: And posturing. So much posturing. I can SMELL the manly manliness in this room.

Tony Stark: Usually, Pepper does this but she is busy elsewhere this weekend.

Tony Stark: Guess the muy macho is also one reason why Pepper wants me here today.

**If I may speak frankly, I think Ms Potts needs a break.**

Tony Stark: Yeah. But we are both working too much. So...

Tony Stark: Also, it is not really anymore my place to talk I guess.

Tony Stark: Anyway, just two more hours of this bullcrap and then I am off to the airport.

_[_ _Answers to “Anyway, just two more hours...”_ _]_ **I agree on the sentiment.**

**I am not looking forward to that press conference for East Harlem, either.**

Tony Stark: I graciously leave that honor to you, since I am the one bankrolling this shindig.

**You are too kind  
**

**Since you could not be there, the team saved you a memento:**

_{Another_Brick.jpg}_

**Safe flight!**

**Tony Stark to @Clint Barton:**

**HELP**

**He sent me another brick pic.**

**And wished me a safe flight.**

Clint Barton: lmao

Clint Barton: No way in hell I am getting into that.

Clint Barton: But please keep sending me updates lol

**Still holding on to these ten dollars.**

Clint Barton: Yeah keep telling yourself that Stark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. The sudden attention this fic has gotten BLEW ME AWAY. Thank you very much <3


End file.
